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October 26, 2002
Living Heartache
I have been totally slacking the past few days because of this damn cold. I am to the coughing up a lung, stuffy head stage right now. I hate blowing my nose.
I am so excited for Halloween! My work's party is tomorrow and I hope on going home with some kick ass prizes. I've had my eye on one of those TV/DVD combos.
My mom's birthday is on Wednesday. She would have been 56. When I was back home for my friend's wedding a few weeks ago I was able to go visit her grave. I am glad we choose the cemetary that we did. Because it used to be strickly Masonite and they believe that everyone is equal in death, there are no above ground headstones. Every grave is marked by an inground footstone. This really gives the place the feel of a park. It is also right on the river so the view is just gorgeous. My mother's footmarker was in place, but it was still too new to cut the grass over it. I cleared away the fallen leaves from her marker. I really felt like I should say something, but what? What should I say? So I just took in the beautiful scenery and watched my niece play. It was good enough to just be there. I really needed that.
I still get hit with a sudden overwhleming sense of loss that just knocks the wind out of me. This is how it is going to be for the rest of my life. They will become less frequent, but I know they will always be there and I have accepted this. Before her death I had always believed that I would just shut down after she was gone, but now that she is gone, I realise that she would not want it to be that way. So I go on, I live my life, because her wishes somehow became more important than mine.
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Posted by amanda at October 26, 2002 08:21 AM